Posted in CHF, defibrillator/ pacemaker, health, Heart disease, ibs, ileostomy, illness, sepsis, septic shock, survivor, Uncategorized

Bullied by my own thoughts…

As much as I would like to lie and make up excuses as to why I haven’t written, I can’t. Because even the truth is just an excuse. I have time, I just don’t have the drive anymore. My depression is at its peak right now and it has blocked off all of my senses. I can’t think, I can’t speak… heck, I can’t even feel anymore. Although I have been genuinely happy lately, I still wish it were because of good health. & no matter how unrealistic those dreams are, I still have them. Why? Why torture myself with goals that are impossible to reach. My illnesses are permanent, not to mention one of them will be the cause of my death at a young age, but I still have hope that it will disappear? Ridiculous right?

*Sigh

Ugh, & i’m sorry to bombard you guys with such depressing shit, I just needed to vent. I can’t sleep because of Fabio (Fuck him) plus I needed to let you guys know that I’m alive. Well, apart of me is. Some of my soul seems to have gone missing along with my peace of mind, faith & whatever other positive shit we are supposed to hold on to.

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